Sometimes NOT Communicating is a Good Idea; Know When to Stop!
By: George Bielay, MSc.,
Welcome to the May 2011 Victoria Counselling Solutions Newsletter. Here in Victoria, BC, spring is arriving, albeit ever so slowly. Nevertheless, the plants are blossoming and the sun is shining.
This might seem a bit of an odd newsletter topic, for this site and the information shared tends to be about improving communication skills. It has been stated that healthy communication is a vital part of developing and maintaining a vibrant relationship. I am also suggesting that knowing when to stop communicating is a communication skill in and of itself. This skill is best used when continued communication may do more relationship harm than good. So, there are times when stopping the conversation is done in the best interest and welfare of the relationship.
So how do you know when you should stop and postpone communicating with your partner?
Hot Issues, Irrationality and Inability to Listen
The one thing couples often do that makes things worse is to continue to communicate when they are feeling intense emotions. Bad Idea!
Everyone has trigger points, sensitive areas that can spark overwhelming feelings and emotions. When this happens, the ability to absorb and integrate information being communicated to you, in addition to the ability to communicate effectively, essentially shuts down.
Whenever you and your partner trigger one another, the most likely by-product is having strong intense emotions and feeling rather heated. This will become a huge barrier in having a constructing conversation. The most likely outcome is that the conversation becomes overly heated and turns into a bigger argument than needs to occur.
The Downward Negative Spiral
Once you’ve hit a critical emotional spot, the downward negative spiral may occur, which can include;
(i) Irrational thinking taking over
(ii) Defensiveness follows, where you enter into a survival-like posture to protect and preserve yourself.
(iii) Listening stops, due to having entered into the above mentioned self-protective and self-preservation mode.
Keep in mind that the Downward Negative Spiral most likely occurs to both partners simultaneously. Then you tend to feed off each other’s negative experience, which further propels and deepens the downward negative spiral.
The Emotional Thermostat
We likely all know the experience of getting ‘hot under the collar’. This tends to happen when we get triggered and start to feel those intense emotions. Consider this experience like an emotional thermometer rising in temperature. The hotter you get, the higher the temperature is, and the hotter the temperature, the more in danger you are of reaching your ‘emotional boiling point’. Not good!
During a conversation, it is important to monitor you own emotional temperature and thermometer. When you feel like you are getting too hot, it is time to call a stop in communication.
How? Here are a few phrases that may help stop communication and start a time-out.
(i) I’m feeling upset and wound up. I need to calm down before carrying on this discussion. I’m going to take a time out right now.
(ii) I don’t want us to fight again and I’m really wanting us to figure this stuff out. I can’t do that when I’m feeling upset. I’m going to take a time out and calm myself down.
(iii) It seems like we are both starting to get upset. Let’s stop for a while and come back together when we are both feeling calmer.
Time-Out Guidelines
(i) First and foremost, notice from the above examples that the person calling the time-out never refers to their partner needing one, but rather they state how they are feeling and what they are needing. Telling your partner “you really need to take a time-out” most likely will only fuel their already hot emotional thermometer.
(ii) Secondly, you need to agree to return to the discussion. It is not OK to try to avoid the discussion by calling time-outs. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the person calling the time-out to reschedule the discussion once both partners are feeling calmer. A good guideline is trying to return to the discussion within 24 hours.
(iii) Use your time-out wisely. Don’t simply ignore the issue during the time-out and return to it in the same way, saying the same things. This approach will not get you different results. Look for ways to approach the topic differently, asking yourself; What parts of my partners experience do I agree on and/or can understand with their perspective? What part of this problem is my responsibility? What can I do differently in efforts to improve the situation?
As you practice monitoring your level of emotional intensity and your emotional temperature, you will become more aware of how these impact your ability to both communication and to listen. Develop this skill well, in addition to learning how to call and use time-outs effectively, and watch your relationship improve and your connection with your partner grow even stronger.
