Welcome to the November 2011 Victoria Counselling Solutions Newsletter. The fall season in Victoria, British Columbia has been simply spectacular. The sun has been shining nearly everyday, the fall leaves and colours are brilliant reds, oranges and yellows. And, much to the delight of many, many Halloween trick-or-treaters, last night was a wonderfully "devilish" affair.
There certainly were a lot of devils and demons running around last night. However, in adult relationships, we are often faced with challenging issues and struggles on a daily basis. Psychologist Dr. S. Johnson reports in her book "Hold Me Tight", that many couples have struggles with what she calls "Demon Dialogues". So I thought I'd introduce these demon dialogues and briefly describe them.
For many of us, the person we most love and cherish can make us feel so joyful at times, and at other times make us feel miserable. It doesn't take much in a shaky relationship when partners are not feeling emotionally secure. A flippant comment, a sideways gesture or careless remark are taken as compromises of connection, closeness and emotional safety. As Dr. Johnson says, "when we don't feel safe and connected, these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. They set fire to the whole relationship."
And it is in the negative patterns of communicating and interacting that continue to implode couples in their relationship. It is vital to begin to change these patterns, and the first step in doing so is to begin to recognize the pattern. There are three basic patterns:
1. Find The Bad Guy
The "Find the Bad Guy" pattern is a dead end pattern of mutual blame. The result of this dynamic is it keeps partners distant from one another. Given the characteristic of mutual blame and accusation, it effectively blocks reaching out and reengaging with one another, thus making it excessively difficult to create any safe emotional space for the couple. Couples never get close enough to try.
2. Protest Polka
The next pattern has been called the "demand-withdraw" or "criticize-defend" cycle. In this pattern, it appears that one partner is reacting or protesting against the loss of the sense of secure loving attachment in their relationship. Typically, the protests are shrouded in angry demands or venomous criticisms. For example, rather than a partner saying "I really miss you when you are late from work", they'll say something like "where the hell have you been, do you know what time it is, don't you know how to use a phone to let me know...". In response, the other partner shuts down as a way to protect and preserve themselves from the angry and critical protests. Each time this interaction occurs, it self-reinforces the pattern, digging the couple into an even deeper emotional hole.
3. Freeze & Flee
The third pattern is usually one that develops after a lengthy time in the 'protest polka' pattern. Essentially, after a long time of futile protest, the protesting partner gives up. It occurs when the protester becomes so hopeless and helpless, that they too put their own emotions and needs into a deep freeze, leaving only numbness and distance. Tragically, both partners step back to avoid the hurt and despair. This pattern is the most dangerous and most difficult to recover from.
SO...WHAT DO YOU DO?
When you boil things down to their most fundamental, there are only two ways of protecting ourselves and holding onto our relationship connections when we are not feeling emotionally safe and secure. We can either (1) avoid and disengage, meaning, become numb and distant, shutdown and withdrawn, essentially denying that we as a human being need any kind of loving attachment, or (2) listen to the internal angst and fight for a connection.
Which strategy do you use when you are feeling disconnected? Do you demand and criticize or do you withdraw and shutdown?
Take the first step is changing the negative relationship patterns by beginning to recognize which one you most practice. Then, start to become more aware what is happening internally, on an emotional level within you, that contributes to the repetitive maintenance of the pattern. This information and awareness will be the starting blocks to breaking out of the old patterns and developing new patterns.
