Welcome to the Victoria Counselling Solutions February 2012 newsletter. We are now well into the new year and in Victoria BC spring is in the air. I say this with both an exciting and a cautious tone, knowing that winter can easily return and set spring's approach back by weeks. Nevertheless, the sun is out, the days are noticably longer and the spring flowers are starting to push up towards the sky.
In the last few newsletters, the focus has been on negative communication patterns. More specifically, learning about the features and characteristics of these negative communication patterns, then recognizing and finding these patterns in emotionally intimate relationships, and lastly, learning and realizing that these patterns are "informed" by our own emotional "raw spots" that have developed over the years, mostly from previous relationships and familial significant others. In this edition, the focus will be on recognizing when a raw spot is irritated and rubbed and what to do about it.
The Hallmarks of Raw Spots
Initially, we need to recognize a raw spot has been irritated. There are two hallmark signs that either your or your partner's raw spots are being rubbed. The first is a sudden and dramatic shift in the emotional tone of the conversation. Could be the two of your were enjoying each others company, then suddenly one of you becomes aloof or conversely, enraged. The second hallmark is a reaction that is exponentially disproportionate to the situation at hand.
These reactions are about our deepest and most powerful emotions taking over, originating from a very basic primary attachment need being compromised. In order to get a handle on these raw spots, it is essential to take a closer look at the deeper emotions that are key to these sensitivities and unpack them in a manner that helps us understand them. If this is not done, it is easy to go right past these emotions and fall into a defensive posture of anger or withdrawal. If this continues, your partner keeps getting the wrong message and we continue to disguise our vulnerabilities so as to never really be seen authentically and genuinely. The result, you stay in a (mis)perception of emotional safety but become extremely distant and alone from your partner.
What Happens When A Raw Spot Gets Rubbed
When a raw spot gets rubbed it turns on our attachment desires, needs, longings and fears. This is like a trigger that trips you up emotionally, a type of alarm system that identifies something bad, strange or painful is happening. For example, this alarm may go off if you hear a critical tone in your partners voice, or they turn away from you just as you approach for a hug.
Secondly, you'll notice that your body is also responding, such as a tightness in your stomach or a chill throughout your shoulders. Sometimes, the only way we know how we feel is to listen to our body. Because each emotion has a physiological response, strong emotions mobilize the body. Blood rushes to the legs when we are in fear, whereas when we are angry blood flows to the hands.
Third, based on what our emotions are telling us, we begin to position ourselves. We either move toward, away from or in opposition to our partners. We prepare based on the emotional barometer, anger postures us to approach and fight, shame informs us to withdraw and hide, fear tells us to flee or freeze, sadness moves us to grieve and let go.
And all this happens in micro-seconds. The emotions tell us what matters, and then like an internal compass, they then orient and direct us.
Learning From Your Own Raw Spots
It is important to go beneath the surface reactions to understand deeper emotions and their relevance and impact on you and your relationship. Consider the following questions as a way of unpacking these emotional experiences.
- When you suddenly were thrown off balance in your relationship, what was happening within the relationship?
- What was the trigger that created a sense of emotional disconnection for you?
- In the moment before you were thrown off balance and reacted, what was the general feeling, anger or numbing?
- What did your partner do or say that ignited this response?
Now, thinking of a time your own raw spot was rubbed, what was happening to your body? Were you feeling hot, tight in the chest, breathless, small or invisible, empty, shaky, cold, tearful, detached, spacey?
Next, consider what your intellect is telling you about the situation. What sort of meaning or conclusion do you come to about all of it? What do you say to yourself when this is happening? Realizing your own internal messages is vital in this unpacking process. These might include messages about being judged, not being good enough or lovable, not being important or that you or your voice doesn't matter in anyway etc.
Lastly, what do you then do, how do you move into action? Fight, freeze, flee, recoil?
Relationship Tool
In efforts to aid in pulling all this information together, use the following formula;
In this interaction, what triggered my raw spots and feelings were________________________________________. From the outside, I likely showed ________________________________________________________________. On the inside, and way down deep, I felt (a basic negative emotion, sadness, anger, shame, fear)_______. What I really wanted and was longing for was__________________________________________________________. The main message I got about our relationship bond, about me or my love was ______________________________.
Where Your Raw Spots Come From
It is also important to understand where these sensitivities come from, so, you will have to look back into your history. You've heard that you must learn from history, otherwise it will continue to repeat itself! This is so true when it comes to intimate relationships.
Looking back on your history, did your sensitivities develop in relation to your parents, your brothers/sisters, in other romantic relationships, relationships with your peers?
I'd like to end off by inviting folks to look within themselves, rather than looking towards others, as a way of assisting and guiding themselves through the emotional quagmire of relationships. Seeking to understanding aids in developing lasting change.
Next time we'll be talking about sharing your findings with your partner.
Warm Regards,
