Happy New Year to all and welcome to the January 2012 newsletter from Victoria Counselling Solutions. Hoping that all the readers had a great holiday season. And although fresh starts tend to be the theme at the start of any new year, I'd like to suggest a different kind of a fresh start for couples. You may have been inundated with sage advice about how to improve and change your relationship elsewhere, but I'd like to suggest this fresh start be one that is much more personal.
What am I talking about? Well, I'm talking about taking a fresh look at what our own emotional vulnerabilities might be and how they are activated and illustrated within the context of our love relationships. We are all vulnerable in love, it simply goes with the territory. Because we are more emotionally invested and "naked" with those we love, it is inevitable we hurt each other with careless words, thoughtless actions and hurtful gestures. And while these salvos sting, the pain may be fleeting and superficial, most of us have an additional sensitivity, a very tender and exquisitely sensitive area that, when touched emotionally, it is deeply painful. What often happens in couples is that these raw spots can be irritated and rubbed, throwing us into emotional unbalance and dis-ease, thus driving us into those Demon Dialogues (discussed in November 2011 newsletter).
WHAT THE HECK IS AN EMOTIONAL RAW SPOT?
According to Dr. Sue Johnson (2006), emotional raw spots are defined as a "hypersensitivity formed by moments in a person's past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed, resulting in a person's feeling...emotionally deprived or deserted."
Often, these emotional sensitivities are remarkably familiar experiences, given that they often have roots from wounding relationships with significant people from our past, in particular, our parents. Our parents are role models and teachers to their children, who give us the basic foundation for loving relationships. Other significant people that assist in our development and understanding of relationships include siblings, and other family members, in addition to our past and present lovers. For example, recently when talking with my own partner about a serious matter for me, she took an incoming phone call. Having had a history of feeling dismissed and unimportant, I hit the roof! This took me back to my younger years when I felt like I wasn't being listened to or valued in my family. This historic experience made me hypervigilant to interpreting gestures as dismissals.
It is rather common that people are both unaware of having raw spots and recognizing how they get irritated and activated in our relationship. In fact, not only do we not recognize having raw spots, we seem to only be aware of our secondary emotions and their reactions, namely defensively numbing out and shutting down or reactively lashing out in anger. Withdrawal and rage are the hallmark of demon dialogues, and they mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability, sadness, shame and, most of all, fear. Having said so, it is vital to begin to recognize when your raw spots are being rubbed.
If and when you find yourself stuck in your negative communication pattern, it is likely that it is being ignited by attempts to deal with the pain of the raw spot. More accurately, it is likely the pain in the raw spots in BOTH of you, because your raw spots rub up against the raw spot of your partner's.
STOPPING THE DESTRUCTIVE NEGATIVE PATTERN
Stopping these destructive patterns requires both identifying and deliberately managing them, but also recognizing, finding and being able to sooth your sore spots. It also requires helping your lover to do the same. Those folks who have had the experience of growing up in the haven of secure, loving relationships will have an easier time healing these sore spots, largely due to having fewer raw spots which are not too deep. Once there is an understanding of what is under these negative interactions, it is easier to step out of them quickly and soothe the hurt.
Unfortunately, for others whom may have had a traumatic experience or have been badly neglected by those they have loved/depended on, the process is more difficult, arduous and lengthy. Their sore spots can be so large and so tender that accessing the fears and trusting in a partner's support is an extremely challenging and frightening prospect.
Nevertheless, it is very possible to change and heal from these past hurts and vulnerabilities with the help of your loving partner. We can learn that sense of security and connection with the assistance of a responsive partner who helps us deal with painful feeling.
This is all a general broad introduction to recognizing and dealing with emotional sensitivities, vulnerabilities and fears. In the next newsletter, February 2012, I will be discussing more specific ways of learning how to recognize when a raw spots is being irritated, finding the source of this sore spot, how to share with your partner about it and how to help in easing this vulnerability.
It is all part of a journey.
Happy New Year.
